battleprincess

Lately I have been thinking about this sequence of events that keep repeating themselves. They are randomly random, not at all expected. Some how... in January one of my cousins got me to invest time into eharmony... *sigh* That didn't exactly make the sequence of events go over better. Thankfully... my online class will start in less than a week and hopefully there will be other things to think about.

Twice a week I spend about half of my day being more social and less reclusive. Its sometimes kind of nice. On the days when its not so nice... I don't exactly feel double awful about the program. However..., there are two guys there that hit on me. One does it to help my confidence... so that I'll smile more. (so he says) The other one is kind of creepy. While he does seem harmless... He is kind of creepy sometimes. Other than that, he also seems like a nice guy.

My birthday is around the corner. I'm hoping to spend it doing what I want to do. School starts on the 5th... which is also the anniversary of my Mom's death. And... my birthday is 8 days after that. The day before valentines day. This year... I want my birthday to not suck. I don't want to cry or be unhappy. I want a good weekend. A good month. I just want good things. That isn't too much to ask for, its just something that I have to believe I'm going to have.
If I can... I think I'm just going to watch movies all day on that day/that weekend. I'll also buy myself a cake whether someone else buys me one or not. Its my day and I can do what I want with it.
So for my future self... happy birthday and happy valentines day. Those are your days and no one can ruin them for you. :)
~bP

Its been awhile since I've posted. It has also been awhile since I mentioned my true feelings on a lot of things to anyone. One thing I really don't want to discuss with anyone at all is what my relationship plans are. Hello people that dare to ask, I am still single. Yes your read correctly, I am still more than happy to travel through life on my own. Sure I find a few people attractive, well more than a few people... But being attractive on the outside doesn't at all a good match make. To the people who think that I need to be married or in a committed relationship. No I really don't have to be in any of the above. Yeah okay.. my clock is ticking wahh wahh! I don't care. If God wants me to have children, He'll make it so. I'm at a stage when I don't want kids. I don't want to bring a new life into a world that is so corrupt and full of evil. But what God wants God wants, end of discussion.

I have been thinking about philosophy more lately. There are a lot of things that I can do with philosophy and I look forward to it. A few people are asking me what school I want to attend. Family members have mentioned schools that I'm not too sure about. I'm not sure about those schools because I'm not really a conventional type of gal. So time will tell and sooner or later we shall see.

Philosophy of history or philosophy of literature? Philosophy of art or philosophy of english?

There is still a lot for me to say. There are blanks that I still need to fill in for myself. There are also paragrapsh of my personal feelings that have yet to even be whispered. Inside of those paragraphs is the answer to a puzzle even I haven't solved yet. Maybe when I read this later I will wonder what the hell I was blogging about. Maybe not.
I'll just wait here until things become what they are meant to be.
~bP

Sometimes I'm not much of a group player. But... if I was going to get along with everyone in the band all the time, I would be a part of No Doubt or Cobra Starship or the only female member of Linkin Park. That's all present. If past was the coolest option ever I could imagine myself being in TLC or a member of an all lady rock band.

Its early and I'm awake. I woke up with a giant need for someone to talk to. By now I know that I cannot find that where I am. I have plans to be out in the world for most of today or at least a nice part of it.

There are somethings getting to me that really shouldn't. A conversation or 5. A plan that was made for me by some one else, someone who isn't God. A strong desire to never be alone. A huge fear that the world is far to corrupt and dirty to ever be what I want it to be and/or give me what I need from it.

Well now that I have confessed what fears I woke up with, the very gray day calls. I hope it won't rain today... At least not while I'm outside.

Fear, Loathing, Gray Skies

Bp

I feel like I am in between a rock and a hard place right now. I feel like that pretty often though. Tomorrow will come around real soon and before I know it, Thanksgiving and Christmas will be gone and January will be right there on the horizon that cools and warms the window of this room.

The good thing, the noble thing is to always take the high road. So... I'm always going to do my best to always take the longer way, the more calming way, the tougher exit out of whatever drama throws itself into my path. Never argue with people who never listen. Its a sure way for who ever to stress themselves out.

I kind of want to write fics again... But, I'm not very confident in my fic writing skills. My poems rock... my fics usually fail. Well that's what I think... A few people think I write interesting stuff. Not quite sure what I want to write a fic about as of yet. Today is one of those days when I want to write something, something big and epic and awesome, but, I am not sure what it is about or will mean. For me, stories and poems write themselves. They appear on the screen of my laptop after my fingertips have walked their way across the keyboard in a very interesting dance. The dance is either slow and painfully goregous or its fast and entertaining.

Logically speaking my underlying worry is not well founded. Its not something that I am going to blog about in detail. Logic isn't the thing that sometimes keeps me awake though and for that reason, I push it away and think happy thoughts.

Love, Heart, Star
bP

This is super funny.

http://twitpic.com/nr6vi

Do you currently have feelings for anybody?
I love my land friends, my webby friends, and the family in between.
I randomly hope that certain people will bake in the fires of Elrond for an infinite number of years times 40,000.
And I adore my future hubby even though I don't think we have crossed paths yet.

Have you ever told someone you hated them and meant it?
Yes and that psychotic set of $#@%#es had it coming!

Has anything upset you in the last week?
My grandmother is digging for information...

Do your parents approve of the music you listen to?
My mom questioned my love of 'the white music' when I first got into it around middle school ish. My dad doesn't really care, at least I don't think he does.

Where is your biological mother right now?
Dead.

Think of your last two kisses, were they with the same person?
Yes.

When was the last time you went to the circus?
When I was a kid. That was the good time before I got afraid of them. My sister ruined that for me when she opted to watch IT!!! 3 years younger than me and she just had to watch it in my presence. Now I can never look at a clown again and feel safe.

Do you ever think about stuff and start crying?
Sometimes. Depression is a hard habit to kick... During my cycle at least twice.

What was the first cell phone you had?
I don't really remember. I'm pretty sure that I wasn't with Tmobile then though. I was out of h.s. at the time I remember that much. It was kind of a bulky thing in comparison to my current cell.

Do you like to clean?
I like things my way. So I like to keep the kitchen clean, and the bathroom. But... my personal space can be whatever my creative mind wants it to be. In other words, if I want a messy bedroom I'm going to have it!

Do you ever think about the past?
Yes. But that is all water under the bridge now and I have no need for a dip in the nile.

Whats a fact about the last person you kissed?
Would it be too much for me to say that I think he is satan's nephew?

If something was wrong, who is the first girl you would go to?
Depends on the situation. If I was sick, I know I could take care of that myself. Emotional drama, Y or B.

Do you have any bruises?
On my left hip. I basically walked into a kitchen counter. I'm clumsy like that.

Anybody you're looking forward to seeing soon?
My brother if I get to go see him in his play.

Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you that you're beautiful?
Yeah. Those were usually all attempts to get in my pants though. Or side remarks which were meant to hurt. Unless I count my Dad who was always trying to make me feel better.

Would you rather have long or short hair?
Long. I don't like my hair short.

Have you ever liked anyone that has treated you like shit?
Yeah... I thank God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit that we are no longer together.

What do you want?
To finish writing my poem book, get it published, a great apartment in my favorite part of Gotham *cough* (NY), and despite my overall answers I kind of want to be married already.

Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?
Probably not. There would have to be a really good reason. Hypothetically speaking. If I was married and my husband cheated, I would need some time to think. You know... kick him out of the house for a while. Or have him pay for my vacation time... All so that it would be extremely difficult for me to commit a felony. After I regrouped I would ascertain the situation. If forgiveness was achievable then I would work on it. If not..., well. Someone is going to need a really good lawyer and that someone isn't me. *cough* But... that is just hypothetical...

Have you ever made out in the rain?
No.

What kind of mood are you in?
Good. Relatively amused.

Would you eat a cockroach for your last ex if they asked you?
You know that little jingle for the JELLO commercials? Great! Now apply it to the following. H E L L NO!!

Are you afraid of losing the person you fell hardest for?
Well a lot of people in my family have passed on. My mom, an aunt, my great grandmother, a grand uncle, etc. I have never been afraid of death, its a cycle and we all have to die sometime. There are people that I don't want to die for a load of years though. Plus I would be really really really upset with God if He decided that my time here needed to end before I got married and had tons of horizontal tango relations.

Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
Left side when I'm at home or somewhere familiar. Right side or as close to the center of the bed when I'm not in a familiar place. (hospital, hotel, etc.)

Has a boy been in your room before?
Yeah. The room I'm staying in once belonged to a boy. A cousin. Plus who ever designed this room had to have been a boy because no right minded woman would put this theme together.

Do you miss anyone?
My brother, a few friends I used to have lunch with all the time, my dad.

Honestly, is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be?
Fictional characters...?

What was the last thing you drank?
Hot chocolate with marshmallows.

Are you slowly drifting away from someone?
Sort of. There are people that I am always filtering out of my life for the most part. If you aren't or cannot be the type of friend or family that I want to have then you are out. Your in or your out. ~ Heidi Klum (Project Runway)

Do you hate anyone?
Well... sometimes I hate them. Sometimes I pity them and their lack of concern for others. Most of the time, I don't think of them at all.

Are you a jealous person?
No.

Has anyone said they love you in the last week?
No.

Are there any stressful situations in your life?
Yes. Of course. Family, health issues. Life.

Is there anyone who will always have a place in your heart?
The few people that truly fit my personal definition of family,

Congratulations ! You just had a baby boy! What's his name?
Mistake. Bad dream. An event that can't happen.

What is something you wish you had more of?
Closet space. Computers. Inspiration.

Does anyone know your password besides you?
No I change my passwords often enough I think.

Your ex REALLY needs you at 3 am, would you go?
Maybe. If I was certain that he wasn't a complete jerk anymore. And only if it was really important.

Do you get shy around the guy/girl you like?
There isn't really a guy that I like like that. I haven't met that many people who sparked my interest since I moved. I do get shy around people in general though.

Are you happy right now?
Not unhappy, kind of chipper... so yes. I guess so.

Will you be in a relationship next month?
I don't know. I'm not looking for a relationship right now. Not that I don't want one. I just don't feel like looking. If that makes any sense what so ever...

Do you have a reason to smile right now?
Yes. I'm relatively pleased with myself and my writing capabilities.

Honestly, if you could go back one month and change something would you?
There are a bunch of family members that I would not share information with.

Have you ever liked someone who didn't like you back?
Yeah... That happened a lot. H.S., and the earlier half of my twenties.

Have you ever cleaned up someone else's vomit?
Would a cat count as someone else?... If so then yes. Yes I have.

Do you currently have a hickey?
Nope. *cough* I would need to be involved with someone for that...

Done anything stupid lately?
Not really. I have been a pretty smart lady lately.

Does cuddling freak you out?
Ummm. I don't really like people touching me unless they have to. Exceptions go to certain people like my brother, emts/doctors, etc. But, I haven't been on the dating scene in a very long time so... who knows?

Have you had sex with more than 25 partners?
Nope.

Do you think the last person you kissed is nice?
Wow... Its been a long time. I hope he is nice, nicer than he was the last time I saw him. Its possible.

The thing about my family is that I can't trust any of them. And... for me its either trust all of them or trust none of them. Since I really can't put my faith in the thought that they will never have anything mean spirited or undeserved to say about me behind my back, I can't trust a single one. The problems with human nature are that people get away with dong all kinds of awful things to each other. Some don't even bat an eye lash at the wrong things that they are doing to someone else, but, if their kid or sibling or significant other was having the same thing done to them... Well all hell would break loose. That person would do whatever they could to protect that person.

I can't trust my family and they just can't treat me well. Had a fight with my grandmother this weekend and its the last time that I'm going to go through that. Its not like I have not tried, I tried in many ways... I tried for a long time. Now... I just realized that I can't have a relationship with her like her other relatives have with her. I can't ask her for the things that I know very well she gladly do or give her other grandchildren or anyone else. My grandmother is someone that I must show respect to because of who she is. She isn't someone that I must show respect to because of the way that she talks about me, treats me, and yells at me on a regular basis. The fact that what she thinks... the rest of the family seems to think doesn't help either. Everything is gossip and wrong and I'm just not into it.

Its late and I'm tired. The easiest thing for me to think right now is that it costs a person more to care about someone than it costs to not care at all.
bp

If I haven't mentioned it already, which I somehow think I have... I'm in love with Fringe. If Fringe was a real person I honestly think that we would be married. The perfect man... *sigh*

My legs have been hurting me almost all day. From the moment I was awake till the very moment that stood in the steaming hot shower long enough... The pain is back now. Not too bad, just there. Enough to notice but not enough to get nervous about. I am tired of being in pain though.

One love.
bP

I had a lot to put here, but, I can't imagine how any of it would help me. Some words won't ever leave my mouth. Or be tapped out by my fingertips. Mostly because its going to be a hard set of events to convey to others.

princess of something... princess of something worrisome... princess of late night discomfort... princess of angry poems... The Queen of heart break kingdom...

Lovely morning, bright and sunny. And I have been writing up a storm lately, happy me! I have rethought the plan to include drawings with my poems. So... I need a 100 of those emo pieces of art that I write. Working on getting there of course. Some writing days are better than others. I'm pushing for a slamming poetic growth spurt. They appear to me every couple of months and sometimes every couple of weeks! *fingers crossed* Or I'll have to consider working uber hard on drawings. I totally don't want to be more of a perfectionist than I already am when it comes to those... but honestly... my drawings are not good. Maybe painting will be a better medium to walk through?...

On another note I may change the title for that set of poemetic personal thoughts. (Yes.. I just created a new word! Poemetic: like a poem, fashioned after poem writing styles, somewhat lyrical, full of awesome sparkles..., etc)

Its a lazy Sunday that I'm spending with my ipod (whose original name is Poet, I often rename her things like Black Pantheress, Shimmer, and Wise Snowflake...) Maybe I'll check and see whats on tv today, but, I'm really comfy in the warm blankets with a spectacular view.

Have a laugh:

Today I am seeing fall for what it truly is. Leaves have started to change colors where I am. The air is crisp, rainy, and gorgeous. For that I am more than happy to be out of Florida. I woke up to rain droplets on the windows and evidence of a brisk breeze. The headache I am sporting came with an abundance of poems and the bitter remnants of heart breaks. I ignored the words that came to me and opted to stay in bed longer listening to my ipod and shedding a few tears. The headache came after breakfast and the first laundry run. I have large hopes that it will vanish from the power of advil liquid gel caps.

Until then I am listening to the many songs on my multi named ipod and thinking of how good it feels to not be a pushover when it really counts.

Heart.
~bP

The romantic part of me does believe that there is still someone out there for my shiny glowing heart. It is the pieces of me that are still heart broken and iffy about the true powers of love and the human capacity to do more than break what is beautiful. On days when my world is cloudy and gray it is difficult to notice how strong, bright and true love can be. No one that I have met is worth worrying about in that way. Soul mates don't break hearts, God lets them help put the pieces where they belong.

Quantum physics... Dark matter and dark energy... Theories. Philosophical matters. I'm in love with this show. Its also on at 9 tonight. The Universe... I don't know if I should be watching it considering that I can't work were I want to work in science... But with this going back to school thing no one knows.

I may or may not be going to school in January for web related areas of operation or something of the sort. One of my aunts was quite happy about that, if not all of my remaining aunts along with the relatives who have passed on. Something about me working for the gov she commented on. It doesn't really matter how awesome it all looks... My country would need to care more about its citizens for me to work for it. I can't imagine that happening any time soon.

The seven day torture fest has started today. I spent most of it laying on a couch while looking like life was sucked from my body. The end of the month is always fun, isn't it. Well at least most of the pain has passed for the day. 6 more days of fun watch out.

Dark matter and quantum physics... *sigh* Science... I love you very very much. You calm me down very well after I deal with stressful issues.
~bP

I would definitely redo the year. There are a few things that I know I could have planned better or done better. I'm not too upset with the way things are now, but, better planning would have helped a lot.

Pained... What is wrong with this situation? I make no sense... What am I doing and for how long will I be doing it? Ode to good times indeed...

Depression bites and sometimes my world is smaller than it should be. Smaller than I want it to be. I don't know what I need. I just need something.
Bp

... I had this dream last night. I... it was... In the dream there was this person from the past. We were friends and I was totally interested in being more than that. To make a long and painful story short..., I don't want anything to do with him or the friends that introduced us and the other friends, etc. Involvement. In that dream there was definite involvement. Even when I wanted to go out with him I wasn't having dreams like the one I had last night.

I don't know why my mind would bring him back up. I don't know what to think of the matter. I don't know why I care. He doesn't actually bring up good memories. Everything that I associated him with was tarnished years ago by quite the actions of other people. Maybe I shouldn't think of him the way I do, but it was hard not to group everyone that I had befriended during that time span. He just happened to be one of them. So... why am I dreaming about him. And even more questionable in my mind... why was he in an extended dream like that?

I'm still so turned off by the very idea of dates, dating, relationships... So what is going on in the two places that mean the most to me and the world? (heart and mind)

"Trust few. Learn to paddle your own canoe."

"Hate is a strong word but I really really really don't like you..."